Confessions

Being 24 and involuntarily single, it often crossed my mind that dating is hard on people like me, and it’s unfair how a pure-hearted, full of love guy like me doesn’t get a chance to partake in this wonderful affair. Even in the relationships I have had I felt that I was a good, near-selfless partner and often felt that if I had to build a resume to date I would be proud to list my past experience and achievements. But I guess that’s the problem. I realize that I have always seen dating too much like a game, with XP, levelling and achievements.

In retrospect, I think that I may have never romantically loved anyone. Yes I have had my attachments and obsessions, but the selfless quality of love hasn’t been there. I yearn for somebody, do my best to get noticed, start dating, and then keep leveling up on the bases. It’s not that I consciously saw these as challenges, but I do remember experiencing the feeling of getting stuck at a “level”, not progressing, as if once the challenge of reaching a level is over there is no point savoring those moments, and that does make me feel sad. Because as much as I know that my intentions were not bad, I did not take into account the feelings of my partner and in retrospect I could see that some of my aloofness due to the boredom of being stuck might have prompted my partners to level up even when they were not very comfortable with it, which is extremely unhealthy.

Another thing I realize is that I almost exclusively vie for women/girls in some form of power or sway, either because of their looks resulting in them being in high demand, being in a literal position of power , or being the nucleus of a social group where the peers look up to their Queen Bee. I think the reason for this is that being someone who considers himself socially awkward I tend to vie for a taste of that power myself, and in a convoluted manner a primal part of me sees power as a transitive thing, as in if A>B and B>C then A>C, similarly if I make someone love me,  then I would have some power over them who have some power over others making me feel powerful over all. It might seem that I am being too hard on myself, but I realized this when multiple times I saw myself upgrading or downgrading the valuation of certain prospects based on what others said about them, not because I instantly believed what they were saying, but just because irrespective of the truth the social valuation of the prospect was low. I realize that some of this wording is disturbing, and that’s what disturbed me too, how some part of me is so demeaning to all these people.

Now, i don’t think that this is totally how I think, maybe this is just a part of me, but it is definitely not insignificant and as long as it holds any power over my decisions it is dangerous and abusive, qualities that do unfortunately transfer to me as well. The only recourse I see is to try and be more introspective and more empathetic about others, even seek help if possible.

I used to believe I was a good man, but now that I have proved myself wrong, my only solace is in knowing that I am at least trying to be one!

With love, apologies and sincerity.

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Late Night Diaries: Page 1 [Declassified]

Aaj kaha ek sajjan ne mujhko,
Ki jeena hai to pyaar karo,
[Sirf pyaar na karo, balki dil bhi tudwao],

Baat to unki sahi hai,
Par meri dikkat yehi hai,
ki pyaar ka matlab mujhe pata nhi,
Aur ye bollywood aur kitaabi cherry blossom mujhe bhaata nahin,
Attraction aur dosti samajh aate hain,
Uske aage badhne ki mujhme himmat nhin.

Kisi ki aankhon me kaise dekhun main,
khudse sheeshe me nazren milti nhi mujhse,
Kaise kisi se ikraar karun, jab dooba hun kal ki fikr mein,

Pyaar to karna hai boss,
Par nakleepan nhi chahiye,
Dil mera sau bar toot jaaye, ye to chalega,
Kisi aur ko 1 aansu bhi aaya to mera dil mujhe kabhi maaf nhi karega…

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Link

Maximum Thrust Provided by Iron Man’s Suit

This Paper was my entry in a Science Fiction Paper Presentation Competition at Tryst, IIT Delhi.

Abstract:

In this Analysis done on Iron Man’s Mark VI suit used in the Movies Iron Man 2 and The Avengers we try to find out exactly how much thrust can those shiny little repulsors provide. Assuming that Tony Stark used the full thrust from his suit when trying to “jump-start” S.H.I.E.L.D’s Helicarrier’s Ducted rotors, we will first provide an analysis of the thrust provided by a single rotor on the helicarrier, and then calculate the thrust of Iron Man’s Repulsor Beam. And subsequently deduce the amount of power his arc reactor uses.

 

तेरे अन्दर नहीं है राम बसा

वो पुतला जला हुआ था,
वहीँ राख में पड़ा हुआ था,
फिर भी उसपर एक मुस्कान थी बिछी,
जैसे हो हमारा उपहास कर रही।

मेरे थे ये कान बज रहे,
या था ये शराब का असर?
लंकापति रावन पुतले से निकल,
बोल रहे थे मुझे हंस-हंस कर:

“तूने राम से सच न सीखा,
ना सीखी वचनों की गहराई।
बस ये है याद तुझे,
मर्यादा पे आंच आते ही,
झोक दो आग में अपनी बेहेन, बेटी, या लुगाई।”

“दिवाली पे राम घर थे लौटे,
पर इस कलयुग में उन्हें मिले जगह कहाँ!
राम जगह तेरे दिल में ढूँढ़ते,
तू पीछा लक्ष्मी का कर रहा।”

“राम ने शबरी के फल थे खाए,
राम ने गुहा को भाई भी माना,
फिर भी धर्म के नाम पर,
तुझे जातिवाद ही याद आया।”

“राम नहीं जीता है अब तक,
राम ना कभी जीतेगा!
राम तो तभी हार गया जब,
तूने मुझे भी पीछे छोड़ दिया!”

“मेरे तो केवल दस चेहरे थे,
तेरे तो हैं सैंकड़ों-हज़ार,
हर मखौटे के पीछे मखौटा,                                                                                                अस्तित्व भी तेरा है एक नकाब।”

“तू खुद को दूसरों में ढूँढता है,
तू अन्दर से है खोकला,
काल के हाथों में तू एक पुतला है,
तेरे अन्दर नहीं है भगवान बसा।
तेरे अन्दर नहीं है राम बसा।
तेरे अन्दर नहीं श्री राम बसा।।”

Rama Exiled Again

Rama Exiled!

~~~

Wish You All a very Happy and Meaningful Diwali! (I hope I didn’t offend any Internet Hindus! :P)

 

कैसे कह दूँ, अलविदा?

अगर जुदाई ही सच्चाई है,
तो ऐसे सच का क्या फायदा,
अगर दर्द मीत की रीत है,
तो अच्छा मैं अकेला खड़ा।

मैं मासूमियत में महफूज़ था,
तब रिश्तों पे विश्वास था।
अब ना रहे रिश्ते हैं,
ना रहा विश्वास है,
सब कहीं है चल पड़े,
कोई ना बचा पास है।

ऐ राही हमसफ़र ना कह मुझे,
अगर अलग तेरा रास्ता।
इस बसते में काफी बोझ है,
इस बोझ को तू ना बढ़ा…